My mind gravitates toward anniversaries. Five years ago today, I barely had thoughts about leaving my country for higher studies. Most times, I loved it. Today, I despise it. Nothing about life today even remotely resembles the life I was living at that point. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it isn’t.
All I had is one simple goal in mind when I walked out of my apartment door -distraction. Just to get my mind off of everything. Disappear into the world for a while. (That sounds like three goals, but I think they all fall under the same umbrella.).

Guitar heroes

“Better late than never” laks and I were resolute to give it our shot in fitting ourselves with a horde of amateur guitarists. The kick start was almost a fistic struggle with grimaces on pains, hardened finger tips, and frustrations on strumming the same strings one by one every day. The raucous noises when striking the wrong chords and the giggles with the missing note is yet the fun part of our learning curve. Well the first step is taken . Lets keep our vatic hopes of becoming the guitar heroes animate

Q & A's

Its Friday evening and all i wanted to do is blog answers to random questions that came up in my mind . Here it goes...

Q. Under what conditions can you have the perfect nap?

A. Late afternoon, early summer, not too hot yet, windows open but curtains drawn, so the bedroom gets that irresistible dark buttery glow. Collapsing into my perfectly broken-in bed wearing a tank top immediately after a cool, cleansing shower. Not that I’ve given this much thought.

Q. Under what conditions can you let most of your guard down?

A. My guard hasn’t had a “down” option since I was 16.

Q. Under what conditions can you do your best writing?

A. Very sad, dark, lonely, emotional nights. Usually, there is rain involved.

Q. Under what conditions would you give away everything you own?

A. It used to be that one man need say one word, and I would have dropped it all in a heartbeat. Except my cat. I can now say that this has evolved into nothing short of dire financial disaster. Still, I’m not much attached to “things.” People and pets are much more important.

Leverage

For me it has spawned a previously unrealized interest in digging some thoughts on how influencing works. Of course I agree that it is an art to sustain millions of eyes lay upon you, spellbound by your presence, like the fairy dust sprinkled to keep all mesmerized. Be it beauty or trait, pretense or articulate portrayal of Leninism. The dominance is always red carpet welcomed. On the contrary the weaker is the prey, reluctantly enticed, helplessly fraught with deceit doing injustice to themselves.Feeling momentous is what everyone wants or we ought to think that way but it is quite harrowing that some choose a life of servitude for the betterment of their own. Man made theories and philosophies on human behavior are far fetched and unreal at times but will always remain a tale of epic proportions. Since it’s a two sided coin story, I end up with no conclusion to this blog leaving it to reader’s vision

Walking Away

Choose or Loose?

Making choices is the most intricate part of life. You’re halfhearted, perplexed with thoughts like “Would it be nice to go back and change things if it goes wrong?”

I sat down took a deep breathe and gave myself 5 minutes to ponder on this question and I realized that, me being dubious about reality, I think a linear time frame is the key part of what its a part to be a human

Imagine if your really important choices are sampled like a box of chocolates then our decisions would loose its meaning

What would be at stake?

In the Summer time: Unexpected rattles -Part 2

Augmenting celerity of grey sheath of clouds hovering over my head along with gusty winds hustling the left over leaves from the ground forming a diminutive version of a whirlwind. Thunders, bright streaks of lightening and sodden clouds that tore the rain down pattering like heavy stones forcing its grandiose entrance. I guess we needed this cool down after a complete week of tanning.

Feels like winning a battle.

As I ambled through my memory lane I skewed on tangents of each phase of my life.
From what I was ‘A bundle of joy in the hands of hope’ to what I am now’ The sovereign of my own destiny’ .The celestial feeling I reach each time when I conquer my wins and glories in a quiescence fashion is ineffable by mere words. Surmounting all hurdles that portray as a gargoyle in my every night’s dream and impeding distractions without ending up with anomalies feels like I have taken my throne in a winning battlefield.

In a Week

Manic Mondays
Dulled in a drone

Sonic Critics
Feared to hear

Chronic Love
Failed to reach

Bruised heart
Hard to recuperate


Troubled minds
Soothed in pain

Frolic Fridays
Heartily accepted.

Day offs
Meander in glee.

Thinking retro
Feels cadenced

Both in
Music and Life.

Getting Even with !!

I made a list for you Gil for all the deeds i need to get even with

1. Embarrassing me by Not letting me know that I was walking around with a clean room hat around the building ( even though you were right next to me)

2. Waking me up for a 6.30 am meeting and cancelling it.

3. And the blonde jokes you taunt about me .

Await for the unexpected Gil!!!!!

In the Summer Time.. – Part 1 –

I was quite elated when I saw the vivid golden streaks cascading my patio this morning turning all flamboyant. I was initially reluctant as the luminosity sometimes deceits the eyes and the weather might still hold up to its negatives. But as I walked out to my car I had this legitimate sigh of relief that we are officially into spring and making our way towards summer. No more white mornings, cold winds and inches of snow that I need to shovel from my car. I got back from work and I witnessed the epitome of a perfect summer eve with high 70’s .. Skater boys challenging each other with their new tricks, the tea party girls had their discussions listed for the rest of summer, and dog walkers and joggers are out of hibernation phase. I immediately started penning down my travel plans and outdoor activities for this summer. My first on the list is my Texas trip to meet my folks after 3 years ….

to be continued ....

Finding Panacea

Sometimes I feel I am Anachronous to veracity
And other times a paradox to my own findings
Is it because of immolated facts I reconsider,??/ a filched memory that is relinquished?!
Or does this occur when I am left in a chasm of turmoil?!??!

Strange Guest

The comrade who dwells in my bubble world from my existence,
Some name him “instinct” and few name in a more idiomatic fashion.
But I call him Stranger.
A Stranger for whom my imagination fails to sketch
A portrait of his existence
Though He keeps me company
The unease in his uncanny presence at times
Entices me to reciprocal misjudgments.

Ingenious variety of denial

It starts with quiet hum, an empty space inviting u,“Come inside” it says “we are always open” . Its a world you think that actions have no consequences, where guilt is quote to anonymity, where there are no finger prints.An invisible universe filled with strangers interconnected verbally and disconnected in life.It will steal your secrets and corrupt your identity because in this world where you can be anything you want, anyone you want.

You just might loose sight of who u are.

Unprecedented !!

My brain feels claustrophobic right now, copious thoughts gushing at the same time in different tones like the wild waters hitting from each pebble to humungous rocks, taking diversions fluctuating from its norm. Simple issues made complicated .Is that how life nurture’s us to face all mood swings. I guess the supreme power has carved a cordial injustice crafting the human brain in such fashion that it sometimes tricks our fidelity towards our grey cells.

Sissor kicks!

Sometimes trimming that extra fat out of your life just feels so damn. . . GREAT! Cutting out those people who have served no other purpose but to suck the spirit and life out of you turns out to be one of the most freeing and liberating choices one could ever make, when before it felt like one’s heart was being torn out.
So, moving up and on. Going forward, I resolve to surround myself with people who respect me, my moral convictions, and who do not degrade and condescend me based on them, with people who are still on my list of those for whom I would gladly lay down my life without batting an eye.
And that list is now one person shorter.

Shackles

Destiny clinches life to imponderable clutches.
From the cord in her womb to the bleak dome to eternity.
Smothered at first
Realized later
That emancipation from these shackles
Is the dawn of a cloistered putrid and a brooch for a mocking infamy.

Motherhood

So Beautiful and picturesque in her attire with an infant in her bosom. An object to remind me of divine maternity. Sacred image of sinless motherhood whose infant was to redeem the world. The taint of the deepest sin in the most sacred quality of human life. The world was only darker for this woman’s beauty. And the more lost for the infant that she had borne.

Sanctity in Sabotage

Like the crevice in a mirror
Is how our traits split
Like the ripples in lucid water
Is how our thoughts befall unhinged
Like the shriveled tree
Is how we are left in quarantine
Like the taint in a glass
Is how I can envisage
Our life’s sanctity is in sabotage.

My mind in pursuit of serenity,
As my thoughts have become vagrant.
I indubitably dread that it is the reminiscence of a scourge.
Wedging my regimented surge of credence.
Is it me? Or is it my conscience
That I censure my ignorance to be
The rationale for these vacillations.

Retro and Rockers

I begin to reckon that pop music is all imprudent love, girlfriends and boyfriends where they croon about budding love, elapsed love, and future love.
Well I am not reproachful about it.

Just that my outlook about retro and rock is explicitly an idiom of sundry feelings in a pragmatic world. It conveys love, anger, anxiety and pain.Sometimes obscure and unfathomable libretto which is pertinent to life

Here are my all time Favorites
1. Cochise by Audioslave
2. When a blind man cries and Soldier of Fortune by Deep purple

3. All along the Watch tower by Jimi Hendrix

4. Say it Aint No by Weezer

5. Take, Hardest Button,my doorbell and Blue Orchid The white stripes

6. Long cool Woman by The hollies

7. Main offender by The Hives

8. 16 military wives by The Decemberists

9. Strutter by Kiss

10. Starlight by Muse

11. Song two – Blur

12. Play that funky song - Wild cherry

13. Crazy train by Ozzy Osborn

14. God save the queen by Sex pistols

15. Carry on my wayward by KAnsas

Feed in you views about the list

HAppy V day Dee!!

http://www1.americangreetings.com/ecards/display.pd?prodnum=3117213&path=24202

A.Jay In Wonderland

Is it peculiar that I seriously get a little poignant before I stride into the Cosmetic Section @ Macys. The rapture. The anticipation. The petite bag that I dropped $75 on. It is like a candy store for grown folks. Grown folks with lip gloss and make up obsessions. The estrogen level is sky-scraping. Guys tend to give it a wide berth. A few confident gentlemen venture in, hold up random testers, and look for consent in the eyes of their ladies.

It’s not a place for kids, really. If you’re coming in to make a quick grab, sure, but if you are there to peruse, make other arrangements. I have rarely been so appalled as I was at the sight of a small boy sitting in the aisle between the Chanel and E. Arden displays. Pulled from the shelves and piled around him were boxes of blush. He was opening them and pushing them about. Chanel blush, specifically their powder blush in a shade named Ephemere, is iconic. It’s also about $40 dollars a pop. This under supervised youngster was corrupting a few hundred dollars worth of stock but was in his quest of giving a helping hand to his mom who was on the other side of the counter giving a coquettish glance over perfumes.

Anyways getting back to what I got from my wonderland. Chanel's Levres Scintillates Glossimer and Aqualumiere Lipstick and Passion from Arden collections
I think my cosmetics are leading a far more steamy life than I am .

Shallow minds

I had a conversation yesterday with a quintessential callow person and it bowled over me that some people never change over an epoch of time or let me put it this way, they never attempt to amend ever in their lives. I contemplated that age is one of the factor that would pilot to an individual’s transformation but I guess it doesn’t ensue with few. They love living their past over and over again self obsessing, self defending and undermining other’s demeanor physically and psychologically. It is beyond a shadow of doubt that they are obscure about their present and swank about their prospects. At times it makes me feel like probing their wiles, and prejudice rationalizations, on second thoughts I am not the one who squabble’s for the sake of doing it and trying to reform the world. Initially I thought I should be defiant to her gibberish ridicule. Finally I couldn’t take anymore crap that i walked off deciding to stay impervious to all their futileness and evade their acquaintance.

Captivating libretto from 1 of Mel C's Song

Night and day.
Black beach sand to red clay.
From sidewalks to highways.
See it'll never be the same again.
What I'm sayin'My mind frame never changed 'til you came rearranged.
But sometimes it seems completely forbidden.
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden.

Where there's no competition.
And you render my condition.
Though improbable it's not impossible.
For a love that could be unstoppable.
But wait.

A fine line's between fate and destiny.
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?
When you tell me the stories of your quest for me.
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly.

And as our energies mix and begin to multiply.
Everyday situations, they start to simplify.
So things will never be the same between you and I.
We intertwined our life forces and now we're unified.

Words of inspiration

Do you have words that inspire you? Words that demarcate what you want to be or do? Words that elevate you up and help you be the person you want to be?

I have a few...among them "Dream", "Love", "Belief"

Dream, because dreaming can lead to aspirations and realities that I otherwise wouldn't allow myself. For too long, I stopped dreaming of what I could do with my life.

Love, because I believe love hauls with us through the darkest of times and makes the best of times even better. Without Love the world would be even daunting than it can be now.

Belief, because I have to hark back myself to believe in what I can do. I don't easily believe in my own abilities occasionally, and it helps me remember that I am worth believing in.

Your turn. Post in words that that instigate you.

Five Elements of Life

While I was watching "The Avatar" couple of days ago, it got me thinking about the roles that we play in each other’s lives. I made an allusion to myself that I need my kid sis like I need air. “Who are your earth and water?” Good question. Let’s take inventory, shall we?

Air - Dolls, obviously. I can’t breathe without her. I would die without her. And yet I think I take her for granted sometimes.

Earth - Dad. The firm foundation on which I stand. The one who holds me up and keeps me from sinking.

Wind - Mom. She keeps me up and flying, takes me where I need to go, and keeps me floating when I can no longer soar.

Water - NiGil ,he keeps me honest and young, keeps me guessing. He reminds me that I’m not invincible, and makes me feel small (in a good, grounding way)

Fire - Dee sparks my imaginations, comforts me, and I shine in his light. He helps me grow and makes me smile every day. He dries up the rain and warms me.

Trite? Maybe. Corny? Yeah. But this is how I see these people in my life. I need them all to survive. If I lost any of them, I would be an incomplete and inoperable person. I wish that I could find words adequate to express to these people how they have impacted my life and what I would give up for them if I had to. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for any of them, and I’m the luckiest person alive to have them all in my life.

No Groceries When Hunger Strikes!

I try to live by this rule. Today, I broke it. I forgot to eat breakfast and didn't realize it until I was at the store. Then, suddenly, everything bad for me looked oh so good. Don't ask me what I bought. I am too ashamed. *sigh*Now I have to go find places to hide the evidence. lol.

Long Day !

Joy. Enthusiasm. Optimism. Apathy. Fury. Hurt. Denial. Aggression. Satisfaction. Empathy. Heartache. Desire. Irritation. Frustration. Justification. Annoyance. Pain. Longing. Temptation.
It’s been a long day.

Tinkerbell

In the morning, I wake up to his curled up on the pillow behind my head. He immediately notices I'm awake and pushes his head under my hand for attention. If I fall back asleep during the giving of these affections, he will attempt to lick my forehead. When I get up, he grunts at me to show his disappointment. He'll often shadow me through my morning; he'll sit regally in the walkway between the kitchen and dining room observing my mom's breakfast preparations from a distance.
He trots excitedly behind me when he sees me heading for the computer. I've never quite figured out why he loves to be near the computer, but I think it's something he has learned from my Dad. He sprawls beside my chair, chirping at me periodically to remind me that he's there. I leaned down to pet his soft fur. Sometimes, he takes this attention willingly. In fact, sometimes he stands up to follow my hand as I remove it to type again.

He shoves under my hand for more attention then. Other times, my caress is rejected with a swat or a bite or maybe a clawing from his hind legs. I never know how my attentions will be received at this hour.
I will often search him out, just to steal some cuddles from him. These stolen moments are sometimes greeted with enthusiasm and other times with disgruntlement. Guess it depends on how deeply he is asleep when I bug him.
When evening rolls around, he comes out to greet my sister. I'm persona non gratis then. He likes to make her think he cares only for her. He commandeers his computer desk, sprawled beside his keyboard and accepting her loving scratches on his head. If she takes the time to type, he demands his attention by laying his head on her hand making it difficult to type and impossible to manipulate the mouse. All attention at that time must be on him.
If dinner smells good to him, he may hover near the table or in the kitchen, hoping for handouts, but this is rare. He isn't a slave to food, unless it happens to be luncheon meat. He'll do just about anything to get that. .
We once more find Tinkerbell laying in the way, tripping us as we walk. If we sit on the couch to chat, we find ourselves objects of scrutiny. He will saunter his way towards the couch, as if to ask for attention, but then he flops by my feet and sprawls on his back and watches me, upside down. If I lean to pet he, he will immediately claw at me, howling his objections. I always tell him not to lay belly up in front of me if he doesn't want me to give him a belly rub. He never listens.
He'll continue to follow us around for the rest of the evening. He never seems to want us to pet him then, but he trails in our wake. When we finally make our way to the bedroom for sleep, he is in the bed ahead of us, waiting for us. He insist on being snuggled then, but he's very particular about it. Only one of us may pet him at a time. Some days he wants Doll's love, other days mine. He's a fickle feline. Before long, he'll settle in for the night, once more curled up beside me. He'll usually start the night towards my feet and at some point in the middle he moves to the pillow by my head.

I miss u Tinkerbell!!

Thoughts on Amendments

Do you know what its like to go to bed knowing that the next time you wake up, thats going to be the day your entire life changes? Often, we cant forsee the events that alter the paths of our destinies. But when you can, its a surreal feeling, like the feeling you get the night before your college graduation or your best friend's wedding. Its the feeling that when you wake up tomorrow, its going to be a great day, but your life will never be the same after it. Its the feeling that, truthfully for once, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Suddenly, the routine seems trite. The show on TV becomes so much less interesting than it was yesterday. Your dinner becomes bland and your conscience becomes deafeningly silent, blatant only in its stillness. There is a clarity that must resonate as well with the inmate on death row as he is served his final meal, or the guy who has given forty years to a company as he cleans out his desk on the day he retires, or more cheerfully, the mother who has just given birth, holding her baby for the first time. Clarity that tells you, “Your work here is done. The rest is up to life.” I believe that clarity is what you see when the bell jar is lifted, and the world invites you back with open arms. There are lessons to be learned in the bell jar. You just have to know how to not suffocate inside it.
“Sometimes when everything is going wrong, one thing goes so right that you would do it all over again.”
Well. I dont know about all of it. But Im breathing.

3 Little words!

3 Little Words…3 word answers: Not as easy as you might think…
1. Where is your cell phone?
In my purse
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
Don’t have one
3. Your hair?
Black and wavy
4. Your mother?
I love her
5. Your father?:
I love him
6. Your favorite item?:
My cat Tinkerbell
7. Your dream last night?:
Strange but true
8. Your favorite beer?
don’t like beer
9. Your dream car?
Does it run?
10. The room you are in?
My office room
12. Your fear?:
Never having tried
13. What do you want to be in 10 years?:
Happy will do
14. Who did you hang out with last night?:
My Roomie prasanna
15. What your not?:
A ditzy supermodel
16. Muffins?:
Banana nut, please
17: One of your wish list items?:
Someone to love
18: what time is it?:
Three thirty-seven
19. The last thing you did?
Put away books
20. What are you wearing?:
Just a smile
22. Your favorite book?:
Pride and Prejudice
23. The last thing you ate?:
Chicken and Rice.
24. Your life?:
It’s getting better
25. Your mood?
Tired but anxious
26. Your friends?
Love them all
27. What are you thinking about right now?
Life’s best times
28. Your car:
It has character
29. What are you doing at the moment?:
Avoiding doing housework
30. Your summer?
It was eventful
31. Your relationship status?
Hard to tell

Confusing times ! looking back already

Wow, confusing times lately. Funny how scary, yet thrilling it is when that line between right and wrong blurs, convention goes out the window, and morals are thrown to the wind. As exciting as it is now, though, one knows as well that soon must come a choice to be rendered there must first be a cloud, second a storm, and finally the rainbow.

It didn’t occur to me then that storms are cyclical. There are bright days, there are dark days, then there are days that are just kind of overcast and you’re not really certain what’s going to happen. Or how you feel. And even after the rainbow, eventually it’s going to storm again. Someday. Three, four, five months from now.
I find myself laden with vulnerability in recent days. I woke up one day and couldn’t get a certain memory out of my head. And it kept wearing on me, slipping into my thoughts at the worst times, stealing some of the mental resources that I needed to be devoting to the task at hand to use to force the images out. And eventually, it wore me down enough. Just enough.
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining.

Do U !! What if?!?

Do you go the route that leads to acceptance with a group, knowing that they never see the real you?

Do you go the route that leads to a cold shoulder from that first group but maybe opens up a door to another group entirely?

What if the first group is more accesible than the second?

What if you don't know how to get involved in the group that you think you'd feel more comfortable in?

What if you're so used to fitting in with the first that the second never takes notice of you?

Daughters By John Mayer !

i know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change

I've done all i can
to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now i started to think
maybe its got nothing to do with me.

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.

Oh

Oh you see that skin
its the same shes been standing in
since the day you two met
i bet i was on your mind
never ever any time

Oh yeah

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do, yeah
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.

boys you can break
find out how much they can take
boys will be strong and
boys soldier on
but boys would be gone
without warmth of a woman's good good heart

on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
on behalf of every man
who's looking out for every girl
you are the god and you are the weight of her world

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too

No pressure or anything on the parents in this song, eh? Still, it rings true to me. I still idolize my dad. I know he's not perfect, sure, but I still think he could get me the stars from the sky if I wanted them badly enough. Would he? Probably not. He'd probably tell me to do it myself! ;) But he's always been really good at urging me on to my goals which helped to get through the toughest moments of my life.

As I was listening to this song I submerged into deep thoughts of reminiscence.I'm not sure I have ever told him how much I appreciated him being my moral bastion. I'm sure my actions back then didn't show it. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog. Still, I'm very thankful for my dad.

Thanks, Dad. I think you've given me a great example of love and of living.

Work Desk filled With Paper Breeds

My desk is a mountain of filth filled with my craziness at work. I look at the pile beside me and wonder where it all came from .. It's technical magazines, authorization papers from departments, notebooks I write in, index cards I make notes on, things I've printed up...and did I mention the mail?I'm still trying to figure out how it all ends up on my desk though. The mail is supposed to go to my mail folder. The papers from departments are supposed to get filed promptly in the box or pitched. My notebooks have a home. My magazines have a home. And yet, they sit on my desk and apparently spend their days engaged in lurid moments of reproduction so that the paper pile is at least an inch higher every day!I suppose I need to sift through it and separate the randy sheets of paper. I'm tired of having to shove them out of the way when I'm looking for something. Time to shift some of the pile to my colleague’s desk as I am moving closer to his office.. so that he can watch them multiply! (Oh, I'm gonna catch it for that comment when he sees it. lol. Sorry for that Gil and happy sorting !!)

Calamitous Dinner!

My first attempt at cooking supper after my roomie had left to India was devastating I burned my food till it turned to ashes of charcoal. I was too absorbed in posting something on a board. AND whoops!!. So, I'm trying again. I'm making chicken with garlic and lemon juice. It's more than I usually make myself for dinner, since I normally just have an omellete and sausage in my sandwich.I bet it'd smell real good if there wasn't the stench of burnt butter and garlic hanging in the air. I used olive oil the second time around...decided that I don't need the extra calories and fat that's in the butter, anyhow, and maybe the fact that it burned was a sign to me. lol.