January 29, 2008

Five Elements of Life

While I was watching "The Avatar" couple of days ago, it got me thinking about the roles that we play in each other’s lives. I made an allusion to myself that I need my kid sis like I need air. “Who are your earth and water?” Good question. Let’s take inventory, shall we?

Air - Dolls, obviously. I can’t breathe without her. I would die without her. And yet I think I take her for granted sometimes.

Earth - Dad. The firm foundation on which I stand. The one who holds me up and keeps me from sinking.

Wind - Mom. She keeps me up and flying, takes me where I need to go, and keeps me floating when I can no longer soar.

Water - NiGil ,he keeps me honest and young, keeps me guessing. He reminds me that I’m not invincible, and makes me feel small (in a good, grounding way)

Fire - Dee sparks my imaginations, comforts me, and I shine in his light. He helps me grow and makes me smile every day. He dries up the rain and warms me.

Trite? Maybe. Corny? Yeah. But this is how I see these people in my life. I need them all to survive. If I lost any of them, I would be an incomplete and inoperable person. I wish that I could find words adequate to express to these people how they have impacted my life and what I would give up for them if I had to. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for any of them, and I’m the luckiest person alive to have them all in my life.

January 28, 2008

No Groceries When Hunger Strikes!

I try to live by this rule. Today, I broke it. I forgot to eat breakfast and didn't realize it until I was at the store. Then, suddenly, everything bad for me looked oh so good. Don't ask me what I bought. I am too ashamed. *sigh*Now I have to go find places to hide the evidence. lol.

January 22, 2008

Long Day !



Joy. Enthusiasm. Optimism. Apathy. Fury. Hurt. Denial. Aggression. Satisfaction. Empathy. Heartache. Desire. Irritation. Frustration. Justification. Annoyance. Pain. Longing. Temptation.
It’s been a long day.

January 18, 2008

Tinkerbell

In the morning, I wake up to his curled up on the pillow behind my head. He immediately notices I'm awake and pushes his head under my hand for attention. If I fall back asleep during the giving of these affections, he will attempt to lick my forehead. When I get up, he grunts at me to show his disappointment. He'll often shadow me through my morning; he'll sit regally in the walkway between the kitchen and dining room observing my mom's breakfast preparations from a distance.
He trots excitedly behind me when he sees me heading for the computer. I've never quite figured out why he loves to be near the computer, but I think it's something he has learned from my Dad. He sprawls beside my chair, chirping at me periodically to remind me that he's there. I leaned down to pet his soft fur. Sometimes, he takes this attention willingly. In fact, sometimes he stands up to follow my hand as I remove it to type again.
He shoves under my hand for more attention then. Other times, my caress is rejected with a swat or a bite or maybe a clawing from his hind legs. I never know how my attentions will be received at this hour.
I will often search him out, just to steal some cuddles from him. These stolen moments are sometimes greeted with enthusiasm and other times with disgruntlement. Guess it depends on how deeply he is asleep when I bug him.
When evening rolls around, he comes out to greet my sister. I'm persona non gratis then. He likes to make her think he cares only for her. He commandeers his computer desk, sprawled beside his keyboard and accepting her loving scratches on his head. If she takes the time to type, he demands his attention by laying his head on her hand making it difficult to type and impossible to manipulate the mouse. All attention at that time must be on him.
If dinner smells good to him, he may hover near the table or in the kitchen, hoping for handouts, but this is rare. He isn't a slave to food, unless it happens to be luncheon meat. He'll do just about anything to get that. .
We once more find Tinkerbell laying in the way, tripping us as we walk. If we sit on the couch to chat, we find ourselves objects of scrutiny. He will saunter his way towards the couch, as if to ask for attention, but then he flops by my feet and sprawls on his back and watches me, upside down. If I lean to pet he, he will immediately claw at me, howling his objections. I always tell him not to lay belly up in front of me if he doesn't want me to give him a belly rub. He never listens.
He'll continue to follow us around for the rest of the evening. He never seems to want us to pet him then, but he trails in our wake. When we finally make our way to the bedroom for sleep, he is in the bed ahead of us, waiting for us. He insist on being snuggled then, but he's very particular about it. Only one of us may pet him at a time. Some days he wants Doll's love, other days mine. He's a fickle feline. Before long, he'll settle in for the night, once more curled up beside me. He'll usually start the night towards my feet and at some point in the middle he moves to the pillow by my head.
I miss u Tinkerbell!!

January 17, 2008

Thoughts on Amendments

Do you know what its like to go to bed knowing that the next time you wake up, thats going to be the day your entire life changes? Often, we cant forsee the events that alter the paths of our destinies. But when you can, its a surreal feeling, like the feeling you get the night before your college graduation or your best friend's wedding. Its the feeling that when you wake up tomorrow, its going to be a great day, but your life will never be the same after it. Its the feeling that, truthfully for once, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Suddenly, the routine seems trite. The show on TV becomes so much less interesting than it was yesterday. Your dinner becomes bland and your conscience becomes deafeningly silent, blatant only in its stillness. There is a clarity that must resonate as well with the inmate on death row as he is served his final meal, or the guy who has given forty years to a company as he cleans out his desk on the day he retires, or more cheerfully, the mother who has just given birth, holding her baby for the first time. Clarity that tells you, “Your work here is done. The rest is up to life.” I believe that clarity is what you see when the bell jar is lifted, and the world invites you back with open arms. There are lessons to be learned in the bell jar. You just have to know how to not suffocate inside it.
“Sometimes when everything is going wrong, one thing goes so right that you would do it all over again.”
Well. I dont know about all of it. But Im breathing.

3 Little words!

3 Little Words…3 word answers: Not as easy as you might think…
1. Where is your cell phone?
In my purse
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
Don’t have one
3. Your hair?
Black and wavy
4. Your mother?
I love her
5. Your father?:
I love him
6. Your favorite item?:
My cat Tinkerbell
7. Your dream last night?:
Strange but true
8. Your favorite beer?
don’t like beer
9. Your dream car?
Does it run?
10. The room you are in?
My office room
12. Your fear?:
Never having tried
13. What do you want to be in 10 years?:
Happy will do
14. Who did you hang out with last night?:
My Roomie prasanna
15. What your not?:
A ditzy supermodel
16. Muffins?:
Banana nut, please
17: One of your wish list items?:
Someone to love
18: what time is it?:
Three thirty-seven
19. The last thing you did?
Put away books
20. What are you wearing?:
Just a smile
22. Your favorite book?:
Pride and Prejudice
23. The last thing you ate?:
Chicken and Rice.
24. Your life?:
It’s getting better
25. Your mood?
Tired but anxious
26. Your friends?
Love them all
27. What are you thinking about right now?
Life’s best times
28. Your car:
It has character
29. What are you doing at the moment?:
Avoiding doing housework
30. Your summer?
It was eventful
31. Your relationship status?
Hard to tell

January 16, 2008

Confusing times ! looking back already

Wow, confusing times lately. Funny how scary, yet thrilling it is when that line between right and wrong blurs, convention goes out the window, and morals are thrown to the wind. As exciting as it is now, though, one knows as well that soon must come a choice to be rendered there must first be a cloud, second a storm, and finally the rainbow.
It didn’t occur to me then that storms are cyclical. There are bright days, there are dark days, then there are days that are just kind of overcast and you’re not really certain what’s going to happen. Or how you feel. And even after the rainbow, eventually it’s going to storm again. Someday. Three, four, five months from now.
I find myself laden with vulnerability in recent days. I woke up one day and couldn’t get a certain memory out of my head. And it kept wearing on me, slipping into my thoughts at the worst times, stealing some of the mental resources that I needed to be devoting to the task at hand to use to force the images out. And eventually, it wore me down enough. Just enough.
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining.

January 15, 2008

Do U !! What if?!?

Do you go the route that leads to acceptance with a group, knowing that they never see the real you?

Do you go the route that leads to a cold shoulder from that first group but maybe opens up a door to another group entirely?

What if the first group is more accesible than the second?

What if you don't know how to get involved in the group that you think you'd feel more comfortable in?

What if you're so used to fitting in with the first that the second never takes notice of you?

January 13, 2008

Daughters By John Mayer !

i know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change

I've done all i can
to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now i started to think
maybe its got nothing to do with me.

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.

Oh

Oh you see that skin
its the same shes been standing in
since the day you two met
i bet i was on your mind
never ever any time

Oh yeah

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do, yeah
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.

boys you can break
find out how much they can take
boys will be strong and
boys soldier on
but boys would be gone
without warmth of a woman's good good heart

on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
on behalf of every man
who's looking out for every girl
you are the god and you are the weight of her world

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too


No pressure or anything on the parents in this song, eh? Still, it rings true to me. I still idolize my dad. I know he's not perfect, sure, but I still think he could get me the stars from the sky if I wanted them badly enough. Would he? Probably not. He'd probably tell me to do it myself! ;) But he's always been really good at urging me on to my goals which helped to get through the toughest moments of my life.


As I was listening to this song I submerged into deep thoughts of reminiscence.I'm not sure I have ever told him how much I appreciated him being my moral bastion. I'm sure my actions back then didn't show it. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog. Still, I'm very thankful for my dad.


Thanks, Dad. I think you've given me a great example of love and of living.



January 11, 2008

Work Desk filled With Paper Breeds

My desk is a mountain of filth filled with my craziness at work. I look at the pile beside me and wonder where it all came from .. It's technical magazines, authorization papers from departments, notebooks I write in, index cards I make notes on, things I've printed up...and did I mention the mail?I'm still trying to figure out how it all ends up on my desk though. The mail is supposed to go to my mail folder. The papers from departments are supposed to get filed promptly in the box or pitched. My notebooks have a home. My magazines have a home. And yet, they sit on my desk and apparently spend their days engaged in lurid moments of reproduction so that the paper pile is at least an inch higher every day!I suppose I need to sift through it and separate the randy sheets of paper. I'm tired of having to shove them out of the way when I'm looking for something. Time to shift some of the pile to my colleague’s desk as I am moving closer to his office.. so that he can watch them multiply! (Oh, I'm gonna catch it for that comment when he sees it. lol. Sorry for that Gil and happy sorting !!)

Calamitous Dinner!

My first attempt at cooking supper after my roomie had left to India was devastating I burned my food till it turned to ashes of charcoal. I was too absorbed in posting something on a board. AND whoops!!. So, I'm trying again. I'm making chicken with garlic and lemon juice. It's more than I usually make myself for dinner, since I normally just have an omellete and sausage in my sandwich.I bet it'd smell real good if there wasn't the stench of burnt butter and garlic hanging in the air. I used olive oil the second time around...decided that I don't need the extra calories and fat that's in the butter, anyhow, and maybe the fact that it burned was a sign to me. lol.